Spiral Void

‘Tis the season to overextend yourself until you accidentally burn out, to then take a day entirely to yourself, and to finally bounce back feeling rejuvenated but also slightly off-kilter like you’re hearty but also possibly pulled a hip muscle.

Or maybe it’s just me.

I was telling a friend last week, though, that I kind of wish the end of the fall semester didn’t overlap with the holiday season because I inevitably overwhelm myself. Every. Damn. Time. I spent the last two weeks doing too much rounding up, emailing, and cheerleading to try to pull a few reluctant students across the finish line (some of whom couldn’t be bothered). I also spent this time grading over 100 research essays, shopping for all the holiday gifts, and planning all the holiday activities. A lot of other asks came up that required my energy, and I probably donated it a bit too enthusiastically. I honestly enjoy doing these things, but I have a tendency to put everybody else first, which can be problematic.

I thought about this in a long car ride on Saturday. I’d gone from a full week of doing “all the things”, mentally and emotionally supporting my kids, my students, my friends, my husband, a new writer friend, my cancer mentee, and the others in my cancer support group that met on Friday. I was on my way to visit one of my sisters, who was in the middle of a medical issue, when something happened on her end that prevented any visitors. In an odd turn of events, I found myself two hours into my three-hour drive with an entire free day on my hands. And nobody that needed my help at the moment, it seemed.

I happened to be in a familiar area, so I went to a coffee shop that I knew about and decided to– of course– get some grading done. I sat down at the end of a row of bar stools before the counter, and I was surprised when a woman in her sixties sat down one stool away and started chatting with me moments later.

It didn’t take long before she disclosed that her husband was in active treatment for breast cancer and that he wasn’t doing well. I shared with her that I was a breast cancer survivor. She asked about my treatment and shared about her work in the military and then as an oncology nurse; she’s been with her husband for over forty years, but she knows she only has months remaining with him. We actually had a bizarrely emotional conversation for complete strangers who met in a coffee shop, and before she left, she asked if she could touch my forehead. That was a little odd, but I’ve generally stopped questioning peoples’ behavior over the years, and I can typically tell when someone is harmless. She said she saw a brightness around me (any aura readers out there?), which she insisted was a good thing, and then she thanked me and left.

I graded ten more essays, but I was a bit distracted. The random time spent talking with the woman made me realize how little moments of downtime might bring you just what you didn’t realize you needed. Or what someone else needed. I also realized that I’d been going about 210 MPH and needed to stop and recalibrate. I drove the two hours back home, and then spent an embarrassingly long time just reading and then taking a bath with all the relaxing bath salts I could scrounge up. I’m grateful that my husband simply told me to relax and then played games with the kids all evening.

And now my grading is all done, the presents all wrapped, the schedule less wacky, and my brain feeling less like a pressurized spinning top. Will I overdo it again next year? Yes, obviously, because I never seen to learn my lesson. But for now, I’m back in tune, so to speak, and just in time for Christmas. So, here’s a very lovely, non-Christmas tune from my favorite band of all time; this song inspired the last line of my poem and it’s one that I could sing along to endlessly– on “Repeat”, if you will 😉