Confident in Weakness

Posted bywordsandcoffee1Posted inCancer, Poetry, WritingTags:, , , , , , 
spite the blossoms that test
the stems, tugging heavenward,
daring nature's roots.
spite the bud the dissolves
into airy fuzz
and leaves the nest too soon.
spite the leaves that crumble
and wake underfoot,
taking broken to the wind,
to scatter 
their worldly dreams
beyond their homes.

I think one of my biggest weaknesses is my indecisiveness. (Note the unironic use of “I think”.) Even as a kid, I would go back and forth on ideas, unsure which school project would be the best choice or which hobby I should take up. I would drive myself crazy making lists comparing the pros and cons.

Maybe this doesn’t sound like a horrible trait, but it leads to two other issues, which are a lack of confidence and a need to please everyone else. I’ve grown a lot in my own self-confidence over the years, but I still find myself in situations where I’m questioning what everyone else thinks. Moments in my youth when I was most confident and jumped into something new, I was greeted with the reaction, “Wow, you sure do things differently” or “That’s weird” or something similar that, needless to say, crushed the budding confidence back down. It took years of compliments on my writing and of building publications to build some confidence in my writing skills, and it took years of positive acknowledgements on my teaching to build some confidence in my teaching skills.

This concern always springs back up whenever I enter the querying world. I feel like you need to be made of steel to handle the constant rejection of literary agents, and I’m made of squishy foam. I know it’s not a lot, but in the last week or so, I’ve sent out six queries on my memoir and already received one rejection, making me certain others will follow suit. Having poured my heart and soul into my writing, I can’t help but take the rejections personally. They tell you not to. They tell you “it’s all subjective”, but it’s still tough. And I think about all the little complex decisions I had to make to get to that particular agent and this finished story and I second guess myself time and again.

Going through cancer treatment, I felt like an imposter. Everyone always says, “You’re so brave” and “you’re so strong!” They didn’t know that I would ask my husband each time before a chemo appointment to just drive us past the clinic and go take a day trip somewhere, where I could just forget about the IVs and worry and pain. I never felt so physically weak. I certainly didn’t feel brave.

The dreaded imposter syndrome popped up both in treatment and in querying, and I blamed my indecisive nature. Why couldn’t I get through treatment like those actual brave women, who boldly post pictures of their bald heads on Instagram, hugging their oncologists? I couldn’t even imagine asking Dr. B. to take a picture with me; it seemed so presumptuous. And I couldn’t get through querying like many of the brave writers on Twitter, who would post daily updates and were ever-confident that the next “request for partial manuscript” would lead to their name in gilded lights. I just laid low during both processes, hoping for the best, remaining humbly convinced that I might not make it through.

But I’m now two years removed from cancer treatment, and I’m still here. I’ve realized a lot in that time. One thing is that indecision is not inherently bad. I saw one of my confident coworkers this spring, outwardly balancing the pros and cons of whether to accept a new job offer: his indecision didn’t seem like weakness, but an informed kind of intelligence. And I decided that confidence looks different for different people.

I will never be a center-stage leading actor, certain that everyone will join my selfies, but I can be confident and decisive in my own style (even if it’s “different” or “weird”). Maybe that means bravely? (yes, bravely!) taking the lead on a new advocacy program at my local clinic, where I’ll be hosting a once-monthly meeting for young adult cancer patients and survivors. Maybe it looks like sharing my published writing in bits and pieces until I find an agent that I can trust and that actually believes in the unexpected and wild heart and soul behind my writing rather than the guaranteed money signs of more familiar and comfortable storylines. Maybe it means being flexible with my students in a way that shows I understand the real importance of education: building skills you can adapt to whatever environment your future desires. Maybe that’s being confident in spite of, and because of, my own weaknesses.

23 thoughts on “Confident in Weakness”

  1. You sound a lot like me when I was working on rebuilding myself. I found out that the biggest stumbling block to my indecision processes was perfectionism.

    I not only wanted to accomplish something, I wanted it to be praiseworthy. No, I wanted it to be PERFECT and to be worthy of of exclamation and astonishment. I didn’t want tepid praise that might not be a result of any objective view. I was too suspicious of “pity born praises”. I had to learn a few things to shake out of it.

    First, I enjoy a lot of character actors who play the second role in a story, guys like Sam Wise in the Rings stories. I’m sure you can think of a few once you grasp what I’m thinking. They don’t have to be center stage, but they make the other characters richer because they enhance what is happening on stage/in the story/in life. So, why is anything outside of mainstream seen as inferior by me? I needed an adjustment of my view of reality values!

    Second, why am I so harsh on my “best for who I am right now”? Why is it going to be considered less than something, if it is better than NOTHING? I mean, a sandwich might not equate to a pot roast dinner, but when you’re hungry and on a time schedule, that sandwich is very much appreciated more than waiting for a pot roast dinner!

    There were more lessons once I got moving in that direction of knowing when my battle was against perfectionism, and I’ll let you find the ones that apply to you, if they do.

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    1. I love your comment about characters who aren’t the main focal point in stories. I often think about them, and imagine that they have their own story where they are the main character. I was inspired by this in one of my novels, wanting to write about sidekicks. But then they became the mainies, so I’m not sure what exactly I accomplished by that idea!

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    2. I love how you’ve described this thought process. I suppose another metaphor could be the front man in a band and the back-up singers/instrumentalists. Sure, the lead singer stands out, but that person would be nothing without the music to sing to. 😀

      As an oldest child, I do have some of that perfectionism baked into me; I’m working on it. My husband is really easygoing, so that has helped me to adjust my perspective over the years. I think having kids has, too. There’s still more for me to work on, though, as shown by this post. Thanks for reading!

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  5. I believe bravery is doing or facing things despite fear. It seems you do this all the time. As for querying, rejections are tough. Which of us really do have a skin worthy of a rhinoceros? I think we all feel the bruises and the secret is to find our own way of, not only surviving it, but coming back for more. I am looking forward to your book being published, because I want to read it.

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  7. That’s what I’ve been pondering on lately. I look at how others socialise and I can’t help but admire the smoothness of how they interject themselves into group. I can’t even speak a sentence properly to save my life. But perhaps that’s my charm. To ‘awkwardise’ myself into conversations. I dunno. But I like your train of thought with this post.

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  8. Hi Sarah,

    “Confident in weakness” might not work well, because ‘the base’ is weak here.

    I’m not here to judge you, laugh on you, or suggest you irrelevant ideas.

    I have heard what you said. And I largely agree with you.

    The sufferings you have gone through are personal. We, as readers, might get informed through you.
    But certainly the experience is personal.

    No one can claim their expertise. Unless, they actually are.

    1. Communication with the self:
    I observe this in this blog post of yours. There is so much, you’re continuously trying to communicate or convey to yourself, during the daily life activities.

    “Clarifying your thoughts” and getting rid of all the negativity, or whatever ‘makes you feel weak’, will help.

    You can reserve “10 to 15 mins for Self-talks” within a day. In such mindset, you’ll observe and meet yourself, leaving all the worries.

    2. Writing creative and uplifting poems:
    Your blog is focused on the poetry and writing prompts. You also share daily life updates.

    While reading your words I feel you have deep interest in writing.
    It helps you to conceptualise, express and show your creative skills.

    From journaling to clicking pictures, and gossiping with the people on the way, you can find so many ways to explore writing.

    3. Family and friends:
    Your mentioned your husband, children students and your doctor.
    You are lucky to have a man with you who cares for you in the critical situations.

    While most marriages results into complains and fights on the regular basis, your can build a happy world with partnership with your husband.
    And of course, children are lovely.

    My mother is also a teacher. And I can understand how much she’s inspired to “encourage everyone for learning” languages and basic concepts of the universe.
    Your students can be your best friends.

    We meet enough ‘local people’ in our daily life. Our ‘acceptance’ of them will affect their ‘response’ to us.

    Concluding…

    I use the phrase “I think” a lot. Mostly, because I’m uninformed at some point; and I also want to take a chance to guess.

    I should avoid overusing “I think” or any kind of phrase or feature, which prohibits my successful conversation with the nearby people.

    “Suffering” is hard, and we don’t want to suffer with the same another time.
    But that should not become “our mindset”. Right?

    Our (positive, constructive) attitude should be lead by well defined aptitude (“interests”).

    You need to be clear about you want to ‘add on your study table’ and what should find its place in ‘the trash.’

    Best wishes.✨✨ And much love.♥️
    I’m grateful to you, for your comments.

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    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Lokesh! Yes, I agree the title is incongruent; I thought it might be fun to create a bit of a paradox through wordplay. 😀 I enjoy sharing my thoughts and writing; the difficult part is finding the time to do so in an effective way. I also struggle with prioritizing my goals at times; some of that was born from an inability to focus from chemotherapy treatment and some of that is a natural tendency of mine. I appreciate the advice and hope you’re doing well!

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